1775: Paul Revere “warned the British that they weren’t going to be  taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding  his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going  to be secure and we were going to be free.”—Sarah Palin.

1775: New Hampshire starts the American Revolution: “What I love about  New Hampshire… You’re the state where the shot was heard around the  world.”—Michele Bachmann

1776: The Founding Synod signs the Declaration of Independence: “…those fifty-six brave people, most of whom, by the way, were clergymen.”—Mike  Huckabee

1787: Slavery is banned in the Constitution: “We also know that the  very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.”—Michele Bachmann

1801: “Thomas Jefferson creates the Marines for the Islamic pirates  that were happening.”—Glenn Beck

1812: The American War for Independence ends: “ ‘The  Star-Spangled Banner’…that song—written during the battle in the War of  1812—commemorates the sacrifice that won our liberty.”—Mitt Romney

1861: Civil War breaks out over pitting “individual rights as  proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence against collective  rights.”—The Weekly Standard

1862: African-Americans join the Confederate Army to defend slavery: “You’ll find blacks in almost every regiment throughout the South, who fought  right alongside white Southerners… And in almost every case, it was a voluntary decision that the freed blacks made.”—Ray McBerry

1908: The real Pledge of Allegiance is written: “I pledge allegiance  to the Christian flag, and to the Savior, for whose Kingdom it stands, one  Savior, crucified, risen, and coming again, with life and liberty for all who  believe.”—Dan Quayle

1916: Planned Parenthood opens genocide clinics: “When Margaret  Sanger—check my history—started Planned Parenthood, the objective was to put  these centers in primarily black communities so they could help kill black  babies before they came into the world.”—Herman Cain

1950: Senator Joseph McCarthy saves America from Communism: “Joe  McCarthy was a great American hero.”—Representative Steve King

1961: Barack Obama is born, in Africa: “And one thing that I do know  is his having grown up in Kenya.”—Mike Huckabee

1961: The Soviet Union brainwashes its first Marxist terrorist spybot: “Soviet Russian Communists knew of Barack from a very early date… he was raised  and groomed Communist to pave the way for their future.”—Janet Porter

1963: G.O.P. clergyman delivers his famous “I have a dream” speech: “It should come as no surprise that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was a  Republican.”—Human Events blog

1964: Republicans fight for the Civil Rights Act: “We were the people  who passed the civil-rights bills back in the sixties without very much help  from our colleagues across the aisle.”—Representative Virginia Foxx

1967: Indonesia brainwashes its first Islamic terrorist spybot: “Why  didn’t anybody ever mention that that man right there was raised—spent the first  decade of his life, raised by his Muslim father—as a Muslim and was educated in  a Madrassa?”—Steve Doocy

1967: Max Cleland blows himself up with a grenade trying to drink  beer: “Cleland lost three limbs in an accident during a routine noncombat  mission where he was about to drink beer with friends.”—Ann Coulter

1967: John Kerry likely shoots himself in the leg in order to score a  Purple Heart medal: “There are legitimate questions about whether or not… it was  a self-inflicted wound.”—Michelle Malkin

1968: George W. Bush bravely joins the National Guard: “This was not  an endeavor without risk.”—Bob Harmon

July 20, 1969: Neil Armstrong makes a historic utterance: “The first  word spoken from the moon was ‘Houston.’ ”—Rick Perry

1977: America’s capital is briefly moved to Lancaster,  Pennsylvania.—Dan Quayle

1993: Barack Obama appears in the hip-hop video “Whoomp! There It  Is!”: “Pay close attention to his ears poking out, the shape of his nose, and  skin color.”—Tennessee Sons of Liberty

1993: Hillary Clinton claims her first kill, Vincent Foster—Jerry  Falwell video

1994: Bill Clinton tops Hillary with twenty-four murders: these people  died “under other than natural circumstances.”— Representative William  Dannemeyer.

1998: Actually, the Clinton murders number forty people: “There was  talk that this would be another body to add to the list of forty bodies or  something that were associated with the Clinton Administration.”—Linda  Tripp.

1998: Update: Clinton murders eighty people: “In recent months, a list  of more than 80 deaths associated directly or indirectly with Clinton has been  the buzz of the new media.”—Joseph Farah

1999: Global cooling begins: “For the last decade the climate has been  cooling.”—Mary Matalin

September 11, 2001: Nothing happened: “We had no domestic attacks  under Bush.”—Rudy Giuliani

May 1, 2003: The war in Iraq is won: “Mission Accomplished”—White  House banner

May, 2004: Abu Ghraib pranksters pull some funny ones: “This is no  different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation … I’m talking  about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional  release?”—Rush Limbaugh

2006: The Rapture of Jesus Christ débuts: “We are in the last  days.”—Michele Bachmann

2006: W.M.D. discovered: “We have found weapons of mass destruction in  Iraq.”—Rick Santorum

2009: The Department of Veteran Affairs institutes new cost-cutting  policy: they have “a manual out there telling our veterans… to commit  suicide.”—Michael Steele

2009: The $3,128 light switch tax begins: “…a series of new taxes,  including a light switch tax that would cost every American household $3,128 a  year.”—House Republican Conference

2009: Obama strikes traditional motto from America’s coins: “ ‘In  God We Trust’ is Gone!”—Patriot Action Network

2009: Michigan diversifies its legal system: “The judges in Dearborn  are using, and allowing to be used, Shariah law.”—Representative Leo Berman

2009: Democrats give preferential treatment to their base: The federal  Hate Crime law would create “special protection for pedophiles.”—Representative  Steve King

2010: Flying Jihad Terror Babies invade America: “It appeared they  would have young women who became pregnant. They would get them into the United  States to have a baby, they wouldn’t even have to pay anything for the baby, and  then they would return back where they could be raised and coddled as future  terrorists.”—Representative  Louie Gohmert

2010: Drug dealers invade America: “Mexican drug cartels have seized  control of at least two American ranches inside the U.S. territory near Laredo,  Texas.”—Kimberly Dvorak

2010: And form a beachhead in Arizona: “Our law-enforcement agencies  have found bodies in the desert, either buried or just lying out there, that  have been beheaded.”—Governor Jan Brewer

2011: Radiation cures cancer: “There is a growing body of evidence  that radiation in excess of what the government says are the minimum amounts you  should be exposed to are actually good for you and reduce cases of cancer.”—Ann  Coulter

2011: Fluorescent bulbs cause epilepsy: “…broken C.F.L. bulbs  allegedly cause migraines and epilepsy attacks.”—Phyllis Schlafly

2011: Windmills cause epilepsy: “The health risk of ‘flicker’ impact  created by shadows of blades of turbines poses real and significant health  risks, particularly seizures.”—Laurence Ehrhardt

2011: Arabic is declared America’s second language: “Some of our  state’s educational administrators joined the feds in seeking to mandate Arabic  classes for Texas children.”—Chuck Norris

2011: Obama outlaws fishing: people “can’t go fishing anymore because  of Obama.”—Rush Limbaugh

2011: Obama provides health insurance for dogs: “In the health care  bill, we’re now offering insurance for dogs.”—Glenn Beck

2011: President George W. Bush kills Osama bin Laden: “Thanks to  George Bush…. Because if Obama had his way we wouldn’t have gotten bin Laden,  you know that.”—Sean Hannity

To call these people retards would be an insult to the handicapped. I believe John Stuart Mill said it best…

“I never meant to say that the Conservatives are generally stupid. I meant to say that stupid people are generally Conservative. I believe that is so obviously and universally admitted a principle that I hardly think any gentleman will deny it.”

Stay in school kids.