The Obvious Report

Call me Captain Obvious

George Mitchell has dropped the bomb!!! His report has been released to the public and I must say, I’m shocked.

So let me get this straight…

Major League Baseball and the Player’s Association share the blame for steroids being so widespread? Wow. Thanks for the heads up. I should type up a “McBain Report” so I can tell the people there’s no Santa Claus. WELL NO F*CKING SH*T!!!!!! Of course MLB and MLBPA are to blame. If you don’t have the brain power to realize these two groups stuck their heads in the sand then please do the world a favor and practice birth control.

Baseball knew what was going on. And they realized there was money to be made if they kept their mouths shut. Bud Selig knew damn well Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were on steroids during their infamous home run chase. Selig knew if he had said anything (because of the 1994 strike), MLB might not have recovered. So he put on a fake smile and counted the money rolling in. And if Selig had grown a pair and tried to implement drug testing, the MLBPA would have fought him tooth and nail.

Right now there are people breathing a sigh of relief. Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Bret Boone, and Brady Anderson to name a few. Maybe they made a deal with the devil. I’m willing to bet my scrotum there are hundreds (if not thousands) of ball players who should be thanking lady luck for not being listed.

I want to know why George Mitchell was leading the investigation in the first place. Mitchell sits on the board of directors for the Boston Red Sox. He has a financial interest in the team. Which means if the Sox do bad, his wallet will follow. By the way, out of the 86 players listed in the report, 22 are former or current New York Yankees. Coincidence?

Roger Clemens is in George’s box – and Roger Clemens is sticking a needle in Andy Petitte’s ass. Oh my. Oh my goodness gracious!!!

I was suspicious of Roger Clemens juicing back in 1997. Following the 1996 season, Red Sox General Manager Dan Duquette proclaimed that Clemens was in the “twilight of his career” following four consecutive seasons (1993-96). The numbers don’t lie. The Rocket was a mediocre 40-39. Clemens was not re-signed so he went to the Toronto Blue Jays. In 97 he had an ERA of 2.05, 292 strike outs and went 21-7. In the 1998 season he had an ERA of 2.65, 271 strike outs, and went 20-6. Nice back to back Cy Young award winning years.

Maybe Roger Clemens was bitter and wanted to prove people wrong. The seasons that followed I got more and more suspicious. But it did not take me till 2004 to realize the obvious. In 2004 the Rocket had 218 strike outs, an ERA of 2.98, and went 18-4. All this at the age of 42. And just so you know, he won his seventh Cy Young award that year. A man that was fading fast for 4 years in a row, became the oldest player to win the prestigious award. The Mitchell Report claims Roger Clemens started using steroids in 1998. If this is true, it would make sense. Why? Well some guy named Jose Canseco was on the Blue Jays that year.

What bothers me is the fact that Barry Bonds is hated for breaking records left and right. But Roger Clemens got a free pass. Was I the only person to notice the size of Clemens’ head growing faster than my genitalia when MILF pornography is on? When the Rocket left Boston his career found the fountain of youth. Nah homie. It found the syringe of youth. [Begin Sarcasm] Gee…I can’t imagine why Roger Clemens was never marked as a roid user by the public and the media. [End Sarcasm] Both players have more in common then most people think. Both of their heads grew. Both of them put on a great deal of weight. And both players became more dominant after the age of 35.

Most of my friends thought I was nuts when I accused the Rocket of being on the sauce. Now that this report has come out, people should go after Roger Clemens with the same zeal they had when going after Barry Bonds.

So much hypocrisy. Rafael Palmeiro’s career gets destroyed because of a positive drug test. But Shawne Merriman is awarded a Nike commercial after his. God bless America.

Posted: December 14, 2007 at 6:59 am | by Ryan
Filed under: Sports
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